Laughing makes you live one day longer...
That one friend who always ruins your curiosity and excitement of a movie.
This is how my week goes: Moooooooooooooonday - Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuesday - Weeeeeeeeeeeeeednesday - Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuursday - FridaySaturdaySunday
Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from Mom scares me.
Me? Jealous? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. yes.
Me: *Breathes* Mom: "I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE"
See a bug outside: "Hello Mr. Bug." See a bug in your house: "DIE B****, DIE!!"
When I look at you. I kind of want to...well slap you. Hard.
Me- You're wasting your time ladybug. Ladybug- *tries to eat wings* Me- Oh you asked for it,OH MOM! LADYBUG! Kill. Mom- EXECUTION!! *squishes ladybug*
Twitter was the first creation that makes schizophrenics seem normal.
I'm gonna go do my nails and choke on my spit and die.
Mom: Wake up. Me: *Maybe if I pretend I'm dead she'll go away*
Whenever my mom says: Who do you think you are you idiot (sarcastically, of course) I mumble Your Worst Nightmare...
Dear Monday, it's called f*** off and it's located over there.
Damn girl! Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrument of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
IF THIS IS YELLING!!!!!! ... WhAt ThE heLL dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe???
"Fight!" "Where?!" *WHOLE SCHOOL RUNS*
I hate when people say “You’ve barely touched your food.” Like what do you want me to do stroke it or something?
Get real. No one's going to form a single line if the building's on FIRE.
I wish school started at like... never.
My depression increases by 100% when I walk into school.
Me opening the fridge: "Baby you light up my world like nobody else."
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I think I've fallen in hate with you.
S.T.U.D.Y = Sleeping, Talking, Unlimited Texting, Dreaming and Yawning.
I'm not saying I hate you…. I'm just saying if we were being chased by cannibals I would trip you.
"Awww, someone needs a hug!" "Touch me and you die."
Teenagers: The most misunderstood people on earth, treated like children and expected to act like adults..
Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.
That panic moment when you don't feel your phone in your pocket.
That one person you wish you had never given your phone number to.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
Texting someone who doesn't use emoticons is like being locked in a room alone with Kristen Stewart.
Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.
I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.
what
am
I
doing
with
my
life?
Pretending to think hard when your teacher is looking at you.
D.R.A.M.A. = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.
Teacher: You failed the test. Me: You failed to educate me.
I was going to say a gay joke butt f*** it now.
SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4
HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8
EXAM: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun's mass.
School starts with s and so does slavery. Coincidence? I think not.
3 weeks ago: Single
Last week: Single
Next week: Single
Next month: Single
Next year: Single
Next decade: Single
Next life: Single
I carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me.
2 words, 1 finger.
Study....stud....stu....st....s....sl....sle....slee....sleep.
Things I suck at:
1. Being attractive.
2. Being normal.
3. Relationships.
4. Texting back.
5. Math.
6. Life.
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you!
🍕🍕🍕🍕
🍔
🍟🍟🍟
🍗
🍖
🍫🍫🍫🍫
🍨 🍨
🍩 🍩
🍰🍰🍰🍰
🍪🍪🍪🍪
🍐 🍐
🍏 🍏
🍓🍓🍓🍓
🍒🍒
🍇 🍇
🍌 🍌
🍎 🍎
🍊 🍊
🍋 🍋
Friend: "O.M.G, your parents are so nice!" You: "It's because you're here.."
I just nod my head when I haven't understood somebody after they repeated themselves 3 times.
In math I use this thing called the guess and hope method.
Teacher: "Why are you talking during my lesson?"
Me: "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"
I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me.
Me: "Mom I'm bored, what should I do?" Mom: "Clean your room!" Me: "Never mind...!"
LMFAO: Everyday I'm shuffling. YouTube: Everyday I'm buffering.
Parent: Why don't you come socialize with the family? Me: *sits with family* Me: *gets insulted by entire family* Me: *goes back to bedroom*
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
How the toilet sounds during the day: *flussh* How the toilet sounds at night when everyone is asleep: F*CKKINGG ROAAARRR!
Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I take the L and R on my headphones way too seriously.
Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Do not touch MY iPhone. It's not an usPhone, it's not a wePhone, it's not an ourPhone, it's an iPhone.
Dear Math, I don’t want to solve your problem, because I have my own problems to solve. - Sincerely, students
That awkward moment when you are at your friend's house and their parents start screaming at them.
Writing "etc" on the test because you don't remember more examples.
Look at the keyboard. It has "U" and "I" together. Now look underneath that. It says "JK".
While in the shower:
2% Cleaning body
8% Singing
90% Winning fake arguments
I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...
Me: I'm just going to rest my eyes for 5 minutes. Me: Wakes up February 5th, 2098.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The word OK looks like a sideways person.
That awkward moment when someone says your celebrity crush isn't attractive.
"Where'd you get that scar?" "Oh, Voldemort tried to kill me when I was a baby, no big deal."
Fingers are weird. Like our arms just split into other smaller arms.
Apparently I skipped the part in puberty where I get really attractive.
Take your age, Subtract 3. That's how old you were three years ago.
Teacher: homew- Me: can you not.
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.
Me: I love food.
Friend: What about calories?
Me: What about you shut the fuck up?
Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.
Age 11: "I whip my hair back and forth!"
Age 40: "I drive my kids back and forth!"
Age 81: "I rock my chair back and forth!"
I woke up on the wrong side of my life.
Wow 13 and having sex?? Mom and dad must be proud.
I hate people who think the world revolves around them. Last time I checked it revolved around the sun.
"Talk dirty to me!" "... Mud."
There are 3 levels of pain.
1) Pain
2) Excruciating pain
3) Stepping on lego
*when i wake up* Me: I'm taking a nap after school
*at school* Me: I can't wait to take that nap *when i get home*
Me: *doesn't take a nap*
Those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when Daddy buys them the wrong car. B*tch, I don't even have a bike..
Attractive person: Hey what's up? Me: Who paid you?
If my jokes offend you:
1. I’m sorry
2. It won't happen again
3. 1 & 2 are lies
4. You’re a pussy
This is how my week goes: Moooooooooooooonday - Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuesday - Weeeeeeeeeeeeeednesday - Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuursday - FridaySaturdaySunday
Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from Mom scares me.
Me? Jealous? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. yes.
Me: *Breathes* Mom: "I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE"
See a bug outside: "Hello Mr. Bug." See a bug in your house: "DIE B****, DIE!!"
When I look at you. I kind of want to...well slap you. Hard.
Me- You're wasting your time ladybug. Ladybug- *tries to eat wings* Me- Oh you asked for it,OH MOM! LADYBUG! Kill. Mom- EXECUTION!! *squishes ladybug*
Twitter was the first creation that makes schizophrenics seem normal.
I'm gonna go do my nails and choke on my spit and die.
Mom: Wake up. Me: *Maybe if I pretend I'm dead she'll go away*
Whenever my mom says: Who do you think you are you idiot (sarcastically, of course) I mumble Your Worst Nightmare...
Dear Monday, it's called f*** off and it's located over there.
Damn girl! Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrument of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."
IF THIS IS YELLING!!!!!! ... WhAt ThE heLL dOeS tHiS sOuNd LiKe???
"Fight!" "Where?!" *WHOLE SCHOOL RUNS*
I hate when people say “You’ve barely touched your food.” Like what do you want me to do stroke it or something?
Get real. No one's going to form a single line if the building's on FIRE.
I wish school started at like... never.
My depression increases by 100% when I walk into school.
Me opening the fridge: "Baby you light up my world like nobody else."
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I think I've fallen in hate with you.
S.T.U.D.Y = Sleeping, Talking, Unlimited Texting, Dreaming and Yawning.
I'm not saying I hate you…. I'm just saying if we were being chased by cannibals I would trip you.
"Awww, someone needs a hug!" "Touch me and you die."
Teenagers: The most misunderstood people on earth, treated like children and expected to act like adults..
Harlem shake is just an excuse to go full retard for 30 seconds.
That panic moment when you don't feel your phone in your pocket.
That one person you wish you had never given your phone number to.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
Texting someone who doesn't use emoticons is like being locked in a room alone with Kristen Stewart.
Sorry your password must contain the entire alphabet, your left foot, a theme song to a television show, and the blood of your enemies.
I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.
what
am
I
doing
with
my
life?
Pretending to think hard when your teacher is looking at you.
D.R.A.M.A. = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.
Teacher: You failed the test. Me: You failed to educate me.
I was going to say a gay joke butt f*** it now.
SCHOOL: 2 + 2 = 4
HOMEWORK: 2 + 4 + 2 = 8
EXAM: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the sun's mass.
School starts with s and so does slavery. Coincidence? I think not.
3 weeks ago: Single
Last week: Single
Next week: Single
Next month: Single
Next year: Single
Next decade: Single
Next life: Single
I carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me.
2 words, 1 finger.
Study....stud....stu....st....s....sl....sle....slee....sleep.
Things I suck at:
1. Being attractive.
2. Being normal.
3. Relationships.
4. Texting back.
5. Math.
6. Life.
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't be mad, I'll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you!
🍕🍕🍕🍕
🍔
🍟🍟🍟
🍗
🍖
🍫🍫🍫🍫
🍨 🍨
🍩 🍩
🍰🍰🍰🍰
🍪🍪🍪🍪
🍐 🍐
🍏 🍏
🍓🍓🍓🍓
🍒🍒
🍇 🍇
🍌 🍌
🍎 🍎
🍊 🍊
🍋 🍋
Friend: "O.M.G, your parents are so nice!" You: "It's because you're here.."
I just nod my head when I haven't understood somebody after they repeated themselves 3 times.
In math I use this thing called the guess and hope method.
Teacher: "Why are you talking during my lesson?"
Me: "Why are you teaching during my conversation?"
I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me.
Me: "Mom I'm bored, what should I do?" Mom: "Clean your room!" Me: "Never mind...!"
LMFAO: Everyday I'm shuffling. YouTube: Everyday I'm buffering.
Parent: Why don't you come socialize with the family? Me: *sits with family* Me: *gets insulted by entire family* Me: *goes back to bedroom*
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
How the toilet sounds during the day: *flussh* How the toilet sounds at night when everyone is asleep: F*CKKINGG ROAAARRR!
Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
I take the L and R on my headphones way too seriously.
Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
Do not touch MY iPhone. It's not an usPhone, it's not a wePhone, it's not an ourPhone, it's an iPhone.
Dear Math, I don’t want to solve your problem, because I have my own problems to solve. - Sincerely, students
That awkward moment when you are at your friend's house and their parents start screaming at them.
Writing "etc" on the test because you don't remember more examples.
Look at the keyboard. It has "U" and "I" together. Now look underneath that. It says "JK".
While in the shower:
2% Cleaning body
8% Singing
90% Winning fake arguments
I'm not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...
Me: I'm just going to rest my eyes for 5 minutes. Me: Wakes up February 5th, 2098.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The word OK looks like a sideways person.
That awkward moment when someone says your celebrity crush isn't attractive.
"Where'd you get that scar?" "Oh, Voldemort tried to kill me when I was a baby, no big deal."
Fingers are weird. Like our arms just split into other smaller arms.
Apparently I skipped the part in puberty where I get really attractive.
Take your age, Subtract 3. That's how old you were three years ago.
Teacher: homew- Me: can you not.
I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at.
Me: I love food.
Friend: What about calories?
Me: What about you shut the fuck up?
Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.
Age 11: "I whip my hair back and forth!"
Age 40: "I drive my kids back and forth!"
Age 81: "I rock my chair back and forth!"
I woke up on the wrong side of my life.
Wow 13 and having sex?? Mom and dad must be proud.
I hate people who think the world revolves around them. Last time I checked it revolved around the sun.
"Talk dirty to me!" "... Mud."
There are 3 levels of pain.
1) Pain
2) Excruciating pain
3) Stepping on lego
*when i wake up* Me: I'm taking a nap after school
*at school* Me: I can't wait to take that nap *when i get home*
Me: *doesn't take a nap*
Those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when Daddy buys them the wrong car. B*tch, I don't even have a bike..
Attractive person: Hey what's up? Me: Who paid you?
If my jokes offend you:
1. I’m sorry
2. It won't happen again
3. 1 & 2 are lies
4. You’re a pussy